Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Denial and Dissatisfaction

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years. I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs. My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance. It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates. At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs. Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living. Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes. I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of. I was OK with this! Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires. It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it. I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”. There was no Why for me to get my life in order. I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are. What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life. These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness. I am happy and blessed.
What are your goals, dreams or desires?