Human nature is a bitch!

I'm having a great morning. While out for an early morning walk, it occurred to me how incredibly fortunate I am. I have an amazing wife, two great kids, a job that I actually enjoy, my mortgage is current and I drive my favorite car. I enjoy an abundance of activities such as coaching baseball, basketball, football and I'm a member of several industry organizations. Yet with all of this good fortune I occasionally find time to complain or want for something better. At the time that I am complaining it makes perfect sense to me and I can rationalize my ungrateful attitude but it clearly has no basis in fact. Eventually i settle down and get on with my day but inevitably am left to feel both foolish and guilty at the same time.

After being clean and sober for as long as I have, it appears that I forget how strong human nature can be and that I need to be mindful of how lucky I truly am and enjoy every minute of every day.

Does my recovery piss you off?

I recently received a polite yet angry email from a gentleman named Dean (his last name was included in his email address but for reasons of anonymity I will not reveal it) who was very upset that I am "blatantly disrespecting the traditions of the program". He was referring to tradition 11 concerning personal anonymity and not mentioning that I am or have been a member of a 12 step group. He wouldn't elaborate on how or where my offense had taken place. I can only assume that he read my book, read my blog or my Sober Conversation Facebook page. He was upset enough to email me about it and wanted to know why I think I'm special and don't have to follow the rules.

This got me thinking about a few things. The first of which is that if no one ever mentioned that they were in recovery, I would not have had the pleasure of reading multiple books about people's experiences in recovery. Nor would I be able to gain insight and support from the hundreds, perhaps thousands of recovery blogs available to me not to mention articles in magazines and Tom Arnold speaking about recovery in Hollywood on Larry King Live. Would it be preferable to only speak of recovery in clandestine meetings that you can't speak of once you leave the building? It's certainly no secret that this nation has a huge problem with addiction, should one of the possible solutions be kept a secret?

Another point Dean's email brought up is the intolerance of some regarding how I maintain my recovery. I've been clean and sober for over 25 years now. I don't attend regular meetings (oops, there I go again mentioning the 12 step program) though I do occasionally speak at the rehab I graduated from. I don't speak about the program, the steps, traditions or how they should find recovery but I do tell them of my experiences and what keeps me sober. So if I don't go to meetings and I don't follow the traditions does it mean that my 25 years aren't valid years of sobriety and that I have no business speaking to anyone about recovery? Am I just a delusional "dry drunk" only moments from relapse because I have done it differently than Dean? If this is true then Dean and others like him will have a full time job monitoring other people's recovery. I certainly hope this doesn't distract them from theirs.

Aaron M. Duke

I'm Clean and Sober. Now What?

Let me start by saying that the last 3 years have truly sucked. I was forced to close my business to avoid losing even more money than I already had, the economy has been terrible and the industry I have spent 20 years in has all but vanished. For years I earned over $100K per year and now after my 41st birthday I'm working for $40K. And in a bizarre twist, my mortgage hasn't gone down at all! Imagine that.

When I'm all done feeling sorry for myself, I remember a few key points; I have a healthy family, I have a home of my own, there are people that would be thrilled to make $40k, and despite all of the bitching and whining I hear, I live in an amazing country.

The most important truth I need to remember is that there would be no job, no wife, no great kids, no baseball team to coach if I hadn't gotten sober so many years ago. I would have been dead. Plain and simple. The fact is that getting clean and sober doesn't change the challenges I have to face, it only changes my ability to cope with them. I am extremely proud of the sobriety time I have accumulated but it only puts me on level ground with the rest of the human race.

I can't imagine going back to the person I used to be. I used to think I was so strong. I used to think that all of the trouble i got into made me tough but I have come to realize that real strength is going to work everyday, paying the mortgage on time, being the role model for my kids, doing the right thing every time and most of all - being grateful for everything I am blessed with.

The Irony of Strength

I have often heard people speak of not having the strength to remain clean and sober or not having the strength to avoid temptation. While it is true that it does require both mental and spiritual strength to achieve any level of success getting and staying clean and sober, I have always found it ironic that people don’t believe they possess the strength to do so.

How much strength does it take to bear the pain of your addiction? How much strength does it take to keep fighting the awful truth that you have a drug and alcohol problem? How much strength does it take to continually lie to those who love you and are trying to save you? It takes an enormous amount of strength to continually live in misery.

Perhaps if all of that fight and strength was directed at not drinking or using for one single day you would be one day closer to true happiness.

My Identity Keeps Me Clean and Sober

The last two years have been extremely challenging for me. I had to close my printing company to avoid getting further in debt, the economy has made it very difficult to find a rewarding job that pays anywhere close to what I'm used to making, my confidence has been shaken and I've begun to question many things I believe in. Perhaps it is a perfect storm of self doubt, bad economic times, getting laid off and the fact that I just turned 40!

What hasn't changed is my sobriety. If ever there was a time to rationalize smoking a joint or having a drink it would have been in the last year. Never once during that time did I ever considered drugs or alcohol as a form of relief or escape. Why is that? I took some time to really think about why I'm still clean and sober for over 24 years now.

During my struggle with drugs and alcohol, the thing that kept me using and drinking was my identity. A drunk and an addict was what I knew and who I was. I didn't believe that better things were ahead of me, I didn't have hopes and dreams, and I certainly didn't believe that I deserved a better life than I was living. I believed that I was a screw-up, I believed that any effort to better myself was a waste of time and that if I could just get wasted, none if it would matter. Those beliefs kept me looking for the next high to ease the pain instead of dealing with the source of the pain.

Ironically it is my beliefs that have kept me clean and sober for all of these years. I don't look to drugs and alcohol to solve my problems because that's no who I am now. Getting wasted isn't even on my radar screen because I'm not that person any more. My focus is on fixing the problem instead of running away from it. My thoughts and behaviors over the last 24 years have created a new healthy identity a strong as my old destructive identity. Years ago how I viewed myself kept me from getting sober, now how I view myself keeps me from being a drunk.

Denial and Dissatisfaction

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years. I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs. My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance. It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates. At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs. Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living. Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes. I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of. I was OK with this! Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires. It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it. I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”. There was no Why for me to get my life in order. I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are. What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life. These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness. I am happy and blessed.
What are your goals, dreams or desires?

Difference Makers

If you have read my book or know anything about me, you know that I got clean and sober at the very young age of 16. You can make the argument that I was too young to truly be addicted and have done any real damage, but destroying my family life, stays in four different hospitals and a 3-day coma are all the proof I needed.

So what was it that not only got me clean and sober but kept there for 22 years and counting?

Two things; comfort level and identity. I was pretty used to being “the screw up” in my family and at school. It was who I was. It was how I acted. I wasn’t thrilled with my place in life but it was easy and comfortable. Changing who I was would mean changing what I did and how I thought, which would be right out of my comfort zone. I guess the pain I knew was easier to tolerate than the pain I didn’t know.

When my dissatisfaction with my situation (yes it took a coma to make me dissatisfied) became greater than my resistance to change, I finally got clean and sober. What kept me sober was the change in my identity. I started to believe that I was person with potential as opposed to a screw up. I started building on small success that backed up my beliefs that I had potential. After receiving my one year medallion it really hit home that this is who I am now. I was a seventeen year old sober guy that had many friends and supporters in AA an NA, went on commitment meetings to speak with people in other groups and I was actually enjoying it. I wasn’t tempted to go back to my old life and habits because that wasn’t who I was anymore, it wasn’t what I did anymore, it just didn’t fit the new me. If you are interested in building igloos then bags of hot sand wouldn’t interest you. Just one man’s opinion.

22 years of sobriety in a row! How?

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3-day coma, a halfway house and a 5 month long stay in a rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my identity and circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Living a productive and positive life is not as difficult as was because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn't quit when times got tough.

Grab the steering wheel.

All the circumstances that have formed my life have all changed. Everything that I know and rely on right now will change. Some folks like change, I personaly am a huge fan of change. Some folks truly dislike change, my wife being one of them. Regardless of you feelings on change it is going to happen. The real trick is to understand that you have some say in how change will happen. You can either let it happen and wait for the outcome or you can affect change by your behavior and decisions. If you keep drinking and getting high the changes will not be pretty. If you stop your destructive behavior the changes will be for the better. My father told me a hundred times; " A year from now you will be one year older. Who you are and what you are in one year is up to you". I hope someone hears that and uses it a lot quicker than I did.