Denial and Dissatisfaction

For those of you who don’t know me, I have been clean and sober for nearly 23 years. I nearly killed myself before realizing that I had a problem with booze and drugs. My denial was strong and it was coupled with my ignorance. It never occurred to me that the life I was living was much different than the life of my friends and schoolmates. At some point it should have occurred to me that I had never received a single invitation to the psychiatric hospitals and rehabs. Psychiatrists, family members and emergency room doctors had placed me there without them asking me. My life was not in my control at all.

Amazingly, I wasn’t dissatisfied with the life I was living. Denial is one thing but I really wasn’t too concerned with the fact that I was in a locked psychiatric unit wearing nothing but a hospital gown and slippers with smiley faces on the toes. I had 3 great meals per day, absolutely no responsibility or any schedule to speak of. I was OK with this! Frightening, I know.

It seems to me that one of my biggest problems was a complete lack of vision, goals, dreams or desires. It’s hard to be dissatisfied with life when you expect nothing from it. I was in the words of Jimi Hendrix “Existing, Nothing but existing”. There was no Why for me to get my life in order. I was well aware of all the bad things that could happen to me. My family and teams of doctors had all told me of the horrors that awaited me if I continued down my path of drug and alcohol abuse. It is hard to change when you have no dissatisfaction with the way things are. What was missing was all of the wonderful things that would happen if I gained control of my life. These were things that I had never considered or dreamt about. As it turns out they included marrying an amazing woman, raising two happy little boys, owning a business for ten years and helping others to find happiness. I am happy and blessed.
What are your goals, dreams or desires?

Community Speaking Engagement

Do you know someone that struggles with an addiction? Would you recognize the signs in your teenager? - Join me for a discussion about how answering 5 basic questions can help beat an addiction and lead to happiness.

Register Today!

Carver Public Library - September 17th from 6:30 - 7:30pm
108 Main Street
Carver, MA 02330
508-866-3415
soberduke@gmail.com

Difference Makers

If you have read my book or know anything about me, you know that I got clean and sober at the very young age of 16. You can make the argument that I was too young to truly be addicted and have done any real damage, but destroying my family life, stays in four different hospitals and a 3-day coma are all the proof I needed.

So what was it that not only got me clean and sober but kept there for 22 years and counting?

Two things; comfort level and identity. I was pretty used to being “the screw up” in my family and at school. It was who I was. It was how I acted. I wasn’t thrilled with my place in life but it was easy and comfortable. Changing who I was would mean changing what I did and how I thought, which would be right out of my comfort zone. I guess the pain I knew was easier to tolerate than the pain I didn’t know.

When my dissatisfaction with my situation (yes it took a coma to make me dissatisfied) became greater than my resistance to change, I finally got clean and sober. What kept me sober was the change in my identity. I started to believe that I was person with potential as opposed to a screw up. I started building on small success that backed up my beliefs that I had potential. After receiving my one year medallion it really hit home that this is who I am now. I was a seventeen year old sober guy that had many friends and supporters in AA an NA, went on commitment meetings to speak with people in other groups and I was actually enjoying it. I wasn’t tempted to go back to my old life and habits because that wasn’t who I was anymore, it wasn’t what I did anymore, it just didn’t fit the new me. If you are interested in building igloos then bags of hot sand wouldn’t interest you. Just one man’s opinion.

22 years of sobriety in a row! How?

I got sober when I was 16 years old. I know it seems awfully young but it was precipitated by stays in 2 psychiatric hospitals, a suicide attempt/drug overdose, a 3-day coma, a halfway house and a 5 month long stay in a rehab. I did a lot of damage in a few short years. I believe the one of the biggest reasons I got sober and stayed sober is because I completely changed my identity and circumstances. I stopped hanging around with my old friends and found new ones in NA-AA. I also took a job as a maintenance man in a rehab my town. I went to a meeting everyday without fail. I joined a group that I liked and went on commitment meeting to speak at other groups. I tried to replace all my old habits with new positive ones. No it was not easy. Life still continues to be challenging at times but for the first time in my life I believe I am in a position to be able to help others. Living a productive and positive life is not as difficult as was because I did the hard work in the beginning and didn't quit when times got tough.

Grab the steering wheel.

All the circumstances that have formed my life have all changed. Everything that I know and rely on right now will change. Some folks like change, I personaly am a huge fan of change. Some folks truly dislike change, my wife being one of them. Regardless of you feelings on change it is going to happen. The real trick is to understand that you have some say in how change will happen. You can either let it happen and wait for the outcome or you can affect change by your behavior and decisions. If you keep drinking and getting high the changes will not be pretty. If you stop your destructive behavior the changes will be for the better. My father told me a hundred times; " A year from now you will be one year older. Who you are and what you are in one year is up to you". I hope someone hears that and uses it a lot quicker than I did.

Old lessons being learned again.

When I get into work every morning the first thing I do is to write in my journal. I write about what I'm grateful for, what I'm trying to achieve, and generally how I'm feeling. I also write "today I will...." and write what I'm going to do today to get me one step closer to my goals. I noticed that in trying to keep myself positive and focused daily I write things that sound an awful lot like the bumper stickers I refused to put on my car. I've been sober for quite a while now and have had a chance to hear a bunch of different views and philosophies on sobriety and success and you know, they all seem very similar. I guess in my long rambling manner I'm saying that all the things I have heard in meetings and all the sayings I've grown numb to, have great meaning to people when they need it. I had forgotten about "One day at a time". With the stresses of running my businesses and trying to be the best husband and father I can, it seems that "One day at a time has more meaning to me now than it did when I first got sober. Whatever you get meaning and support from, grab hold of it and wear it out. Life changes so much so fast that sometimes I find myself back at the beginning. Thanks for listening.

I'm clean and sober... now what?

Have you been clean and sober for some time now, maybe a year or so? Are you wondering what’s next? In my case it was at about ten years of sobriety when I realized that there had to be more finally being happy than just not using. After ten years of sobriety I was still living in a crappy apartment, working at a job I didn’t want and living paycheck to paycheck.

While I was completely grateful for my sobriety and fortunate for the help I received, I wanted to continue grow and achieve. I knew life could be better but I didn’t know how. I sure enough knew what I didn’t want, the crappy apartment, the dead end job and being dead broke. If you asked me what I did want I couldn’t tell you anything of consequence. Sure I wanted lots of money and things but I couldn’t really come up with anything meaningful. Why hadn’t I ever thought this through?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how little thinking I had been doing. After much pondering ‘What do I want?’ led to many other questions. In the end I realized there are 5 basic questions that I needed to answer before I could determine my new path in life. The first and foremost question being Who Am I?

Have you ever really though about that? What a tough question! Do you define yourself by what you do or how you behave? Or is it who you think others believe you are? Give it some thought. I’d love to know what you think. Be sure to add your comment.

You can read about all 5 questions and how I answered them by visiting the website for my new book “Sober Conversation”

Thank you!

More people are buying my book online than I expected. Thank you very much! Keep it coming - Who do you know that is struggling with an addiction and needs some help finding recovery? Buy them the book. www.SoberConversation.com
Aaron M. Duke

Remembering.

Here is a link to an organization named Volunteers of America. It contains a brief article about my stay at Project Rebound 22 years ago. This is where I first understood that I need to do more than just stop using drugs and alcohol. I was in this program for nearly six months and have been clean and sober since. I try to speak with the young men that are there now as often as possible and that is what inspired me to write "Sober Conversation"

Aaron M. Duke

Sample from the book "Sober Conversation"

He could already feel the disappointment his parents would have in him, he tried to think of a way out. How could he put this off? It was far too late to do anything about it now. He couldn’t see any way out of this mess. He also had no plan to change anything. It all seemed so futile. He started to panic. He kept focusing on how bad this was going to be. He kept thinking about his father’s exasperated speech on paying attention in school. Brian remembered the bag full of pills he had stashed in his sock drawer. He tried to come up with a reason not to take all the pills and die. He needed a reason that was stronger than his fear of what was to come. He couldn’t find one. He was so tired of having no answers. He didn’t have the strength to fight back. He had no strength to ask his parents for help.
He got out the yellow pages and found the phone number for the counselor he had been going to see weekly. He told her that he had failed his report card and didn’t think he could face his parents with it. He told her that he had a big bag of pills and that he was thinking about taking all of them. Even in his clouded, disheartened mind, her answer shocked him. “Why don’t you go for a walk and wait for your parents to come home. You can talk to them then.” Brian replied “O.K.” He took her advice and went for a walk. He brought along a tall glass of water and his big bag of pills.

Sample #2 from the book "Sober Conversation"

He sat in the cold rain feeling sorry for himself. There wasn’t much thinking it through. He’d had enough. Without hesitation he took two or three pills and swallowed them. Now the ice had been broken. After a brief pause, he resumed taking two or three at a time. He wasn’t sure how many were in the bag, but he took them all. He was sure that he wanted to take enough to die. This wasn’t a cry for help. He only wanted the pain to end. He took all the pills without any hesitation or doubt.
When he was done, he felt no regret. He felt nothing but relief. He wasn’t sure how long it would take or how it would happen. He didn’t care. He was just relieved that it would soon be over. Brian had supper that night with his father and step mother like it was any other night. There was no drama, no suicide note. He called no attention to himself. He gave them no reason to suspect anything was wrong. He ate, did the dishes, pretended to do his homework and went to bed.

Sample #3 from the book "Sober Conversation"

Brian was shaking his head slightly. “I know this sounds stupid, but I’ve never really thought about controlling what happens to me. I’ve always just accepted whatever came along, for good or bad.”“That doesn’t sound stupid at all. You’re not alone.” Aaron reassured him. “That’s how a great many people go through life. That’s what separates the people who are achieving their goals from the people that sit around letting life happen to them. If you’re not happy with where you are, then you have to do something about it. That process starts with deciding what you want from life and knowing where you are in relation to that.”“So you’re saying I’ve got to get out of the back seat and into the driver’s seat. I have to be the one steering the bus.” Brian was starting to understand. I’m feeling so uncertain because I have no control of where I’m going. I’ve been waiting to see what happens next instead of deciding what happens next.”“Robin was right. You are a smart kid.” Aaron said with a smile. “You’re going to do just fine.”